Blogging Arachnid (2001) Part Two

Valentine climbs to the front of the plane to start up annoying chitchat with Alex Reid. We find out that Valentine was in the marines. So was Bear (the black guy with the gun) and the white dude with the gun. I officially do not care. Alex is looking hot as hell and I am simultaneously screen capping the shit out of this movie and thanking the gods of Netflix. Valentine starts to come on to our heroine and she immediately rebuffs the shit out of him. Huzzah. Alex Reid’s instrument panel goes all wonky as she approaches the island. Suddenly the plane loses all power and our heroine tells everyone to assume crash positions. Alex crashes the plane very well and everyone survives more or less unharmed. She examines the plane’s engine and explains that it’s fine, so there’s no explanation of what caused it to crash. The Hispanic nurse credits God for saving their lives and Alex Reid corrects her by saying, ya know, it was actually her flying the damn plane and so she’s the reason they’re not all dead. I have to agree with Alex Reid on this one.

While everyone tries to salvage whatever they can from the crashed plane the science nerd goes off on his own and finds some spiders to play with. Some liquid starts dripping on the science nerd’s camper hat and then the liquid/camper hat combo starts to smolder. ZOMG! It must be smoldering spider venom! That’s what happened to badly burned dude! Sigh. The white dude with the gun comes over and starts firing into the rustling bushes above the science guy. Chunks of giant spider land on the beach. Oh, yeah. They’re on a beach, by the way.

It’s now nighttime on the beach and everyone is huddled around a campfire. Alex Reid is inexplicably reading up on various Arachnid Fun Facts. Maybe she’s just reading it cause it’s the only book they have with them. Regardless, hot girl has brains.

Valentine says that Alex Reid has reviewed the plane and that she thinks they could attempt a beach takeoff. The doctor blames both the plane and Alex for the crash and Alex Reid basically tells him to suck her dick. The doctor says that they’re there to find out what killed badly burned dude and that they’re not going to leave until they complete their mission. Valentine defends Alex Reid and tells the doctor she’s the only reason they’re still alive. Alex stalks away to sit by herself and her hair looks amazing while doing it.

The doomed group sets off in the morning and am I seriously the only one who is concerned that when the tide washes in it’s going to carry the plane away? The plane is practically in the water NOW. Oh whatever. I just…I can’t…I don’t…I don’t know.

Alex Reid and the bitchy Hispanic nurse bicker. The Hispanic nurse comes up to our heroine and tells her that she has a brown belt in whateverthefuck martial art. I have the feeling Alex Reid’s new knowledge of fun facts about arachnids is going to come in handy more so than that brown belt against their soon to be found out enemy, you know, the giant fucking spider.

Bitchy Hispanic Nurse: I could survive easily in the jungle on my own. I’m actually very skilled in the art of taekwondo.

Alex Reid: Hmm. Impressive. I just fly planes.

Alex Reid for the win! And I love how the nurse thinks being skilled at taekwondo is going to help her survive in a fucking jungle. Alex Reid just kind of smirks off the transgression and the group finally departs.

Not more than three seconds into their journeying the stupid white guy with the gun (he might actually be Hispanic, and when I say that I mean that the man actually is Hispanic and I overlooked it) walks under a tree off of which a bunch of ticks leap. Alex Reid treks off approximately a mile away from the group to take a piss but Valentine somehow is still able to interrupt her mid-piss. Dude, that is so not polite. Valentine tells Alex Reid to beware the ticks and she replies that she can take care of herself. Alex Reid replies this just as….she falls into a giant hole in the ground. Valentine tries to pull her out. She shrieks that something is grabbing at her boot (the fucking huge spider!) and he eventually pulls her out with the help of the black dude with the gun. As she climbs out she and Valentine realize that their shirts are stuck together via spider web. The black guy with the gun and I are both like “Yeah, whatever.” But the truth is I do not like Alex Reid being stuck to a boy. I DON’T LIKE IT. But I am kind of partial to Alex Reid now being forced to walk around in her bra. Let’s see how long this lasts.

Valentine then proceeds to climb headfirst down the hole in the ground that they just managed to get Alex out of because apparently one of her boots is down there. He retrieves the boot and the audience sees what the main characters do not: the giant fucking spider posturing below.

Alex Reid and the black guy with the gun and Valentine trek the mile back to where the rest of their hapless party is. The white guy with the gun is freaking out due to the ticks that leapt onto him before. As the group tries to deal with this Alex Reid does lots of gratuitous bending over in her bra. I’m not saying I condone this but I will say that I screen capped it. A girl’s gotta do, ya know what I’m saying? No? Well, fine then. The doctor and bitchy Hispanic nurse yell at the science nerd for not knowing what to do about the whole tick problem. He storms off with his feelings hurt and Alex goes after him. What follows is probably my favorite scene so far. Alex consoles the science nerd, who is more than a little gay, now that I think about it. He also kind of looks like David Sedaris now that I think about it too. Anyway, our heroine gives him a pep talk and gets him back on his feet.

Alex Reid: You know, I remember the first time I flew an F-14 Tomcat. I was so scared I almost planted it nose-first into the deck. They wanted to ground me. I’m still flying.

This scene makes it really obvious, to me at least, that Alex Reid is a very good actress trapped in a very bad movie. First off, I actually believe that the woman flies fighter planes. Secondly, we the audience sympathize with the science nerd at this moment as much as she does.

Alex and the science nerd walk back to the white guy with the gun and the rest of the clan. The ticks kind of burrow into the white guy with a gun’s skin and eventually he EXPLODES TICKS. I just…I don’t…I can’t…I don’t know.

The group continues onward and they eventually come across some remnants of a civilization. Unless the giant fucking spider is an excellent homemaker I don’t know what the fuck is going on. The natives are killing birds by shooting them with homemade poison arrows. Something tells me this will come in handy later.

Alex Reid apologizes to Valentine who is actually turning out to be less of a dick than we both thought (we being me and Alex). She says she was out of line on the plane. Blah blah. She reveals that she wanted to come to this island to search for her brother (the fighter pilot from the beginning of the movie! I knew it! Sigh.) who was lost at sea. (The DVD case says she’s searching for her boyfriend and that is how little the people who produced this movie care about plot details. But whatever. If she’s searching for a brother then there’s really nothing in this whole movie that prevents me from believing her character is gay so YAY FOR THE DEAD BROTHER I SAY!)

Now it is nighttime which means it's the perfect time for a GIANT MILLIPEDE ATTACK.

You guys. You guys. I can’t…I don’t…okay…look. I am terrified of insects. But there is nothing in this movie that is even vaguely frightening. I mean, okay, the guy puking up giant ticks was kind of gross but what are you gonna do? It’s a bug movie. Get over it. Get over it and watch Alex Reid being all awesome.

Anyway a giant fucking millipede (that looks like a snake with the head of a giant (fucking) shrimp attached to it) strangles one of the natives against a tree. I’m laughing and all the other characters seem completely unimpressed.

Blogging Arachnid (2001) Part Three

So Valentine and another native attack the giant fucking millipede with their gunz BUT SOMEHOW IT ESCAPES. So now all the remaining characters are mulling around the dark campsite with large automatic weapons. This is amazing because THEY ARE BEING STALKED BY A MILLIPEDE. They spy it slinking across the thatched roof of a bungalow and open fire. What I love is that they all seem totally convinced that this is the ONLY giant millipede on the island. There couldn’t possibly be more! At one point the Amazing Jumping Giant Millipede goes LEAPING across the screen whilst emitting a high-pitched “WEEEE” sound. I just…I can’t...I don’t…

Alex shares a very special moment with Valentine in which she tells him just how much she misses her dead navy pilot brother. Alex Reid has said “brother” and not “boyfriend” twice now so I’m sure it isn’t a fluke. She is a lesbian and that’s all there is to it god fucking damn it. After showing the softer side of Sears our heroine and Valentine decide that while chilling with the giant millipede and ticks has been great and all there is quite possibly a giant fucking spider roaming the island and that due to this the best course of action would be to get their asses off the effing island. I concur. So the group plans to depart for the beach in the morning. However, Alex Reid decides she’s not leaving the island without finding out what happened to her brother (not boyfriend). In a scene which serves the solitary purpose of showing Alex Reid playing with a large weapon (YES!) Valentine tells her that he’ll help her find her brother (not boyfriend).

The science nerd is now inexplicably wandering through the jungle alone collecting samples. He looks up and sees giant spider webs suspended in the giant trees. The black guy with the gun and (I think) the last remaining native(?) are in a river. The black guy with the gun is singing…something as he wades through the waist- deep river. The native joins in singing and the two men…the black guy with the gun and the native start…dancing as they wade through the water. I can’t…I don’t. Just then the giant fucking spider, obscured by the bushes, hurls venom at the native from across the river that connects directly with his face. The native somehow manages to up and die immediately and so now the black guy with the gun is alone in the river.

Cut to the science guy falling down a decline for absolutely no reason. The area is COVERED in spider silk. Has the science nerd stumbled into…THE LAIR OF THE BEAST?! I think he has. The science nerd starts studying the paralyzed giant millipede that he comes across. Cause, ya know, that’s what anyone would do in that situation. (Actually, I would get the fuck out of Dodge but whatever, that’s just silly old me.) The science nerd looks up and we hear him scream as the giant spider descends on him off camera. Is that the last of the gay science nerd? He was my favorite character besides Alex. Sigh.

Valentine finds the heavily decayed corpse of Alex Reid’s brother (not boyfriend) in a tree and calls her over to see. This doesn’t seem like the polite thing to do but I guess if you hypothetically were searching for your brother on an island after he had been missing for ten months you would be at least somewhat mentally prepared for finding his body. The bitchy Hispanic nurse, in an uncharacteristic moment of kindness, offers her condolences to Alex. Instead of telling her to go fuck herself Alex just thanks her. Atta girl, Alex. The doctor asks what could have possibly done this (he seems kind of slow for a doctor) and the last remaining native (this one really IS the last one) tells him what we’re all thinking: Duh. The giant fucking spider did it. Anyway, Alex buries her brother (not boyfriend) and vows to kill the son of a bitch who did this to him. Yes, that line is very funny because she’s talking about a spider. I didn’t really get much out of the burial scene other than a good laugh and the knowledge that Alex Reid has lovely eyelashes. Ahem.

The giant fucking spider is stringing up the science nerd in a giant web. Oddly enough the nerd is kind of loving it. For him this is kind of like a basketball fan meeting Michael Jordan, ya know what I mean? He’s a spider lover meeting the world’s largest spider and I guess at least for him that’s actually a pretty cool death. The remaining group stumbles upon the strung up nerd. They are now ALL in the lair of the beast and the beast is about to do some serious ass kicking. Or some serious munching as it is. WHOA. The giant spider appears on screen super randomly and I actually just jumped a little. This is actually our first real introduction to the critter, in which we get to see totally what it looks like for the first time. Let’s get you guys acquainted, shall we?

The Hispanic nurse tries to run away and ends up running headlong into a giant web. Good job, lady. Some bongo music plays while the doctor FINALLY gets devoured by the spider. Actually, the spider throws up all over his face first. But whatever. Valentine is still struggling to free the Hispanic nurse from the web when Alex Reid declares “I have an idea!” (She’s hot AND smart and Alex Reid will you marry me?) She sprays…something on the web (hair detangler?) and the web immediately parts. The Hispanic nurse is free. I’m sure she’ll live another five whole minutes. The final three: (I think they’re down to three. Unless that one native is still alive. I’m not really sure) Alex, Valentine, and the Hispanic nurse (I never thought she’d make it this far. But I have also yet to see her bust out any taekwondo moves) come across a metal structure in the woods that is ostensibly left over from the war. (What war, you ask? I don’t know. Neither do the writers. Or Alex Reid. Or anyone.) They hide inside of it and Valentine for the first time verbalizes his fear that they’re not going to make it off the island. He also tells us how basically out of ammo they all are. The spider starts climbing across the tin roof and Valentine wastes the little ammo they have left. The spider suddenly knocks down the back wall of the structure and Valentine, out of ammo, decides it’s a good idea to charge it with a machete. The giant spider picks up Valentine and shakes him around like a rag doll. Alex Reid is an amazing shot apparently and shoots the spider in one of its eyes, barely missing Valentine’s head. The giant spider retreats and the Hispanic nurse treats Valentine’s wounds.

Night falls and Valentine and the Hispanic nurse (Susie) are sleeping while Alex stands guard and further peruses her copy of Arachnid Fun Facts. At this point I don’t think I need to tell you guys that Alex is looking super hot in this scene.

I’m feeling kind of weak in the knees. Oh, wait, I’m sitting down. Good. Valentine awakes and asks Alex if she’s read anything useful. She says she’s learned that spiders are susceptible to toxins. She suggests maybe there’s something in the med kit that they can use. Neither Valentine nor I feel that injecting the spider with asprin is a good idea but hey, there’s nothing a girl with moxie (Shout out to Kate) can’t do. So let’s see how this shit pans out.

The giant fucking spider somehow manages to coax its way in through the largest gap the ceiling of a building has ever had in the history of ever. It drops down silently behind the patrolling Alex and her two unsuspecting comrades. They flee to the back room of the building which was previously padlocked and described as impenetrable. However, in a moment of desperation Alex simply taps on the lock and it springs open. I don’t know. They scuttle inside and slam the door behind them. After being inside for approximately four seconds Susie the Hispanic nurse decides to reopen the door to check to see if the spider has magically disappeared. The spider grabs Susie and proceeds to stab her repeatedly while Alex screams “FUCK YOU!” and fires a round off into its face.

R.I.P. Susie

The spider has apparently grown in strength and is trying hard to break down the barricaded door. Alex discovers a trapdoor in the floor and she and Valentine jump through it. They land in...the underground dwelling of the giant spider. Of course. They eventually emerge out of a small earthen cave into the cool night air. Alex is basically carrying the injured Valentine at this point. Sisters doin’ it for ourselves. Or, I guess in this case, a dude, but whatever. That’s cool too.

Alex and Valentine lie down on the ground to rest for a moment. Alex shuts her gorgeous eyes and just as she does so she imagines a voice calling her name. Could it be the voice of her brother (not boyfriend)? THEN! Mercer aka Alex SEES her brother. He’s walking towards her and he is trailing spider webs. And then! And then! Her brother totally morphs into the giant spider. WHOA!

Alex awakes and standing in front of her are Bear, the black guy with the gun and the remaining native who it turns out is not dead yet! Bear explains that they tracked her scent or SOMETHING, I don’t even KNOW at this point, you guys. Alex tells Bear that she wants the giant spider dead and Bear says that’s what he’s here for. My question is then, if that’s what you’re here for, Bear…where the fuck were you for two whole days? I thought you were dead, man. So the group (Alex, Bear, Valentine, and the last native) travel BACK into the tunnel in what I guess is an attempt to hunt the thing now that Bear and all his ammo are coming with. Alex and Bear and the last native ditch Valentine in one of the tunnels and leave him there with a gun. They tell him they’ll return for him soon. The last native and Alex and Bear continue onward to the underground lair of the beast. Alex spies a giant spider web sack (gross) and tells Bear to cover her cause she’s going to go examine it (the science nerd rubbed off on her way too much).

Alex tells Bear that the giant spider is sleeping inside the giant ball of silk and that she’s going to cut it down so he can empty all of their remaining ammunition into it. As she is relaying this plan the giant spider wakes up and drops down onto Bear. The giant spider pokes one of Bear’s eyes out but then the last native comes to the rescue and jams a spear deep into the spider’s side. The spider chases the native into a cave and I think Bear is dead. Alex grabs Bear’s gun and opens fire. This god damn fucking spider WILL NOT DIE. The spider chases after Alex who promptly flees down a tunnel. She falls (GOD DAMN) and slams her head into a rock. As she comes to she feels silk descending upon her. Our heroine is getting dumped on by a giant spider which is so not cool. The spider has trapped Alex and is just about to nom on her when Valentine runs in and opens fire on it. Then the native opens fire with more of his homemade poison arrows (spiders are susceptible to toxins!) (what the fuck was he waiting for?!) and the spider falls off the ceiling and is impaled on a giant stalagmite. ALEX REID IS VICTORIOUS.

Our plucky heroine delivers the film’s last line: “Fuck. I hate spiders,” and she and the native carry Valentine out of the tunnels and back into the jungle to find the plane. As they walk toward the beach the camera pans high and we see another giant fucking spider (an even creepier one) lurking in the trees.

Does our heroine make it back to the plane? Does Alex Reid make it back to civilization? I’d like to believe that she does.

If Alex Reid had not starred in this movie then I never would have watched it in the first place. I wanted to watch a creature feature with an impossibly sexy lead and Arachnid totally delivered the goods. Arachnid gave me Alex Reid as a fighter pilot and for that I will be forever grateful.

50 facts about me

The original plan was to make this into a video. But then the semester started. Yeah. So, here ya go, 50 facts about myself...more than you ever probably wanted to know.

1. I didn’t go to the 2009 gay rights march cause I didn’t have anyone to go with.

2. When I get nervous my voice shakes.

3. I sometimes have trouble saying the words:

1) Totalitarian

2) Vehemently

3) Bourgeoisie

4. I’ve told many people that I paid for half of my first car. I didn’t. My father paid for all eleven thousand dollars of it.

5. My ninth grade math teacher caught me masturbating.

6. Once in a while I’ll still completely fabricate a story. But it’s very rare.

7. I understand what guys mean when they say sometimes looking at a girl’s tits is kind of involuntary.

8. I tell people that I’m 5’10 when I’m really 5’9 and a half. I’ve always wanted to be 5’11. So not going to happen.

9. I seem to find a lot of older women to be really attractive. And I’m talking over 40.

10. I like to play with fire.

11. I think I may have mostly forgotten how to swim.

12. I never ever want to travel down south. EVER.

13. I have two really good friends who I’ve never seen without makeup on and sometimes I wonder what they really look like.

14. The two best films I’ve ever seen are:

1. The Wrestler

2. Gia

15. I think I could own a dog someday despite my fear of loud noises.

16. I don’t participate in class unless I’m forced to.

17. I severely miss getting hugged on a regular basis.

18. I have had two concussions in my life so far. I expect there will be a few more.

19. I am completely fascinated with memento mori.

20. I frequently dance from room to room in my house.

21. I was homeschooled for half of 7^th grade.

22. I’ve finally learned to tell people “no.” Well….some people.

23. I really miss going to open mic nights but I can’t seem to force myself to go to one.

24. I haven’t worn contacts in about…5 months.

25. Freshman year of high school I went to first period intoxicated more than a few times.

26. My parents were too cheap to buy me braces. Thanks, guys.

27. If I could only listen to one artist for the rest of my life it would have to be Ani D.

28. I have a history with self-injury.

29. I lost my virginity to a person I never even liked.

30. The only thing I’ve ever stolen-stolen was a kush ball when I was four years old.

31. I’ve had surgery on my pink toe.

32. If my calculations are correct, I have fallen in love with:

1. Two friends

2. Three actresses

3. Four characters created by other people

4. Two characters I imagined myself

5. Several strangers

6. Tens of people I’ve never met or seen

33. In the past few months I’ve asked out three girls:

1. One turned out to be straight

2. One turned out to be crazy.

3. One turned out to have a girlfriend

34. I smoke in ALL of my dreams.

35. I once helped pay for a friend’s abortion.

36. I did ballet for two years when I was younger.

37. One night freshman year of college I had a premonition that I was going to die the next day. Wrong.

38. I have seen two ghosts:
1. One was my great grandmother in my current house.

2. One was a complete stranger in a hotel room (I suspect he died there).

39. I am pretty scared of getting my wisdom teeth taken out.

40. I love getting shots and having blood taken.

41. I used to wear makeup and carry a purse and wear Abercrombie. I used to be a completely different person.

42. I used to not be attracted to blonds (but now I am.)

43. I am physically incapable of rolling r’s. I’ve tried all my life.

44. I couldn’t swallow pills until I was 19. Not even Sudafed.

45. Sometimes when I’m running down many flights of stairs at a time I like to pretend that I’m a secret agent.

46. I never want to live more than three hours away from a beach or my best friend. But it’s clear which one I would choose if I had to.

47. I like to go for walks in downpours. Without an umbrella, of course.

48. I have a really loud clap. Like…REALLY loud.

49. I have seen every artist I've ever really liked live. I'm a lucky little shit.

50. I talk to people when I am alone all the time.

This (Past) Decade (The Best of)

RENT

I would be completely remiss if I didn’t mention RENT. There is no other book, play, artist, whatever that has had such a lasting impact on me. I was able to see it performed once in December of 2006, in February of 2009, and in August of 2009. It has truly changed the way in which I see the world and affected how I live my life. It’s been well over four since I fell in love with RENT and I still can’t get enough of the music, the characters, and the story.

This (Past) Decade (The Best of)

PIXAR

You guys, I don’t know about you. But Pixar has consistently blown my fucking mindparts right out of my GD skull with each of their releases this past decade. I will never forget being completely awed by Wall-e or letting out a scream the first time Bruce appeared on screen in Finding Nemo. I won’t forget how adorable I found the rats to be in Ratatouille or how profoundly sad I felt when Carl’s wife died at the beginning of Up. Pixar provides adults the chance to see the world through youthful eyes once again and I hope they continue to do so for many years to come. Oh, and you can’t forget about the shorts.

This Decade (The Best of)

Captain Morgan

I estimate that I've drank probably 20 bottles of Captain Morgan Original Spiced Rum this decade. Which isn't really a lot, except that I only started drinking anything other than wine coolers approximately three years ago. Captain Morgan has seen me through some pretty fucking tough times and he's helped me celebrate some pretty amazing ones too. Captain Morgan, I salute you.

This Decade (The Best of)

The Tuna Melt

I’m serious, you guys. I don’t like to think about food when I go out to dinner. This, I know, seems counterintuitive. But I’d rather focus on making Kate laugh or giving Amy my undivided attention or staring at the TV above my father’s head. The Tuna Melt is an old standard, a fallback plan, and my default. It is almost always edible because of that thing that happens where the American cheese tempers the taste of the tuna fish. Yeah, I’m really writing about this. Because I would estimate that I’ve eaten around 300-400 tuna melts in this decade.

This Decade (The Best of)

THE L WORD
No TV show has ever made me feel the way The L Word has. Whether I was grinning all Monday from Sunday night’s show or screaming at my TV the moment the credits started to roll, I invested in The L Word. Sure, there were MAJOR fucking issues like Dana’s death in season three because Ilene Chaiken felt the need to teach her viewers a lesson by showing us that amazing people sometimes get cancer and die young. Or the way the series ended, with a fucked up unresolved murder mystery. Or its portrayal of the female to male transgender character. Or how about its bang-your-head-into-a-fucking-wall stereotypical portrayals of African American and Hispanic women. And yet….for everything that was done wrong...there was a lot that was done right. The season one finale set to Joseph Arthur’s “In the Sun” changed the way I look at television. I will never forget watching Leisha Hailey’s spectacular performance when her character finds out that the love of her life/her best friend has died. The guttural noises she makes as she collapses to the floor of the hospital wing…its one of the most realistic and heartbreaking performances I have ever seen. Not mention in general its groundbreaking portrayal of bisexual and lesbian women in a television landscape in which we are almost completely ignored. Plus, ya know, if you just wanted to sit around on a Sunday night and watch girls’ doin’ each other…well, it was great for that too.

18 thoughts on my mind

My best friend comes home in four days.

I do not want to read this fucking book.

Today I wanted to cut someone out of my life for good.

I never ever want to get drunk with my straight coworkers.

I am falling back in with Patti Atti because I have no other mentors and therapy is too expensive.

I woke up at 6am today to write twelve pages worth of papers.

The thought of getting drunk with my friends is helping me make it through the last week of classes.

Peter Scheckner invited me and ten other kids to the Mason Jar for drinks. He is the last person on earth I would ever want to get my drink on with.

I could really use a goddamn fucking cigarette.

I haven’t shot an air gun pistol in about a year and my aim is really off.

I am in love with a girl whose videos from like a year ago I found on youtube.

I am making the lame 50 facts video about myself.

I am uber excited to get our Christmas tree this weekend and plan on filming a vlog.

I am completely bitter that I have an oral presentation on the fourteenth.

I love party favors way too much.

I am learning to love the fact that I write slice of life.

It’s where the stories are at for me.

Did I mention that my best friend comes home in four days? Excite!

Ahem.

Holy fuck balls, you guys.

Click for zee big big.