Conversations with Merlin

Conversations with Merlin

I'm supposed to be studying

An Open Letter To Merlin

So, I guess what happened was I got drunk last night and wrote a letter to Merlin, the character I've traced from origin to modern day over the course of this semester in my capstone class.

Dear Merlin,

Your beard annoys me. At least trim that shit down a little. Your spectacles are stupid, especially that half-moon pair you have. Though I’ve described your magician’s gown as “flowing” in several papers now, please understand it’s not necessarily a compliment. And why does it always look so shiny? Like that material graduation gowns are made out of? Merlin: part of the graduating class of 1136. And, another thing, Merlin: Can you please stop creeping on poor little Morgan le Fay? In most of the stories of your first meeting she’s like fifteen years old. And you’re like…two hundred and fifty. Now, I’m in no way a prude when it comes to relationships society might deem unconventional but two hundred and thirty-five years is a pretty big age gap. It’s just inappropriate.

Merlin, when you first appeared in Geoffrey of Monmouth’s writings, I was humored by your novelty. By the time I had slogged through all of The Suite du Merlin I was admittedly a bit less enthralled with the idea of you. Still, I tried to give you the benefit of the doubt. But, by the time I reached Malory’s Le Morte d’Arthur I wanted to kick you in the nuts. Okay, so T.H. White’s portrayal of you was a fun little reprieve in which you actually managed to be interesting, but that was rather short-lived, wasn’t it?

Honestly, Merlin, for someone with the ability to FLOAT THE STONES OF STONEHENGE I would just think you would be a little more interesting. And, one more thing, while I’m at this. What the fuck was up with your role in Arthur’s conception? You disguised Uther Pendragon as Duke Gorlois so Igerna would sleep with him. Merlin, I know I’m judging you by modern standards but dude…THAT’S RAPE. I mean okay, I know it was for the good of the kingdom and the future of England and all that. My only real point is that Uther was an idiot who came to you begging to be disguised so he could lay siege to another duke’s TWO castles and then repeatedly have sex with said duke’s wife, via tricking her by impersonating her husband. Merlin…sometimes you have to tell idiots no. SOMETIMES YOU JUST HAVE TO SAY NO.

Also, I demand to know how you did it, how you managed to disguise Uther. Some sources, and believe me, I’ve read them all, state you used magic, some have you waving a wand while muttering some crazy voodoo shit, some just say you used some cracked-out herbs. I mean, what the fuck? If you tell me it was polyjuice potion I’m going to be pissed as hell.

So, in conclusion Merlin: stop creeping, wash your robe, and go away. I’m really just so fucking sick of you. I think we need a long time apart from one another to achieve some clarity. Maybe a lifetime. Go sit in your cave, Merlin. There, I said it. GO SIT IN YOUR CAVE.

Love,
Pat Kelley

P.S. You’ll never be as cool as Dumbledore. Stop trying.

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Later

After picking out our tree
we walk down to a nearby brook
to take a picture for the cards.

Later I’ll curse, bent over the side of the truck,
head in my hands as you pull briars
out of the seat of my pants.

Later you’ll curse, after your dramatic jump
across the babbling stream results
in a soaked foot.

But for now I breathe in deep,
and feel the snow crunch beneath me
as I lean into your weight.

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The assignment was to write a letter poem.

Heads Up

I thought you should know
when your son, my god son,
and I went out for ice cream the other night
he brought up the subject of sex
as we were sitting there licking our
sprinkle-covered twist cones.

Having anticipated this moment,
having resigned myself to the fact
that it would eventually occur,
I had prepared what I thought
was a pretty decent speech
on the birds and the bees.

But, when Jake then brought up
the birds and the birds,
I, of all people,
had no idea what to say.

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The One Where

I was thinking about
that joke we have,
the one where one of us
will say something in jest
and the other will snap back

You’re an asshole or
Well, fuck you, then
and follow it quickly with
I love you! Never leave me!

And how you did leave
and most days
we’re still okay.

Quibbley Reads "How the Grinch Stole Christmas"

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Hoch thinks this poem is *~beautiful~*. I like it too.

Again

We sat in your dark living room.
I wanted to turn the volume down.
You were balancing a basket
of candy on your lap.
Candy that would soon get launched
midair a few seconds later when
Michael Myers sat up again.
I hugged a pillow to my chest,
leaned towards you,
gritted my teeth and then,
realizing what I was doing, laughed.

Today

I've been thinking a lot lately about change. Things being different than they once were. People being different. I was worried about my characters. Worried they won't change enough. They will. All in time. So will I. People don't want to read about characters who stay the same. They want to read about how people change. Sometimes we try to change. Sometimes we just live and that changes us. We're part of a process.

-

-

You never know when your life is going to change. It just does. The days you wake up on thinking they'll be big...sometimes they are but most often not. It's the little days, when your life changes in ways you never imagined. You wake up one person and you go to bed someone else. I don't think my life will change one bit the day I graduate from college. But my life changed today.

-

-

At this moment in time I have no idea what the rest of my life will be like. I am grateful for this.

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James Hoch thinks this poem is a masterpiece. I'm not sure about that but I like it too.

For Next Time

It’s hard to tell someone:
take this piece of me,
I’ll take this one of you,
we’ll go out into the world
away from each other
but I promise to come back,
return it safely,
and take one exactly like it –

I loved this

"Even though sometimes the world seems about six sizes too small for our pain the amazing shit is that no matter how deep purple the bruise is
no matter how dark and overwhelming and miserable and worthless it all seems the world will get a fraction of an inch bigger every day.

Really, every fucking day.

And you won't notice it for a long time until suddenly, one day, it's only five times too small for your pain and then four and then the world will just keep getting larger and larger in comparison to your shattered heart and eventually it will be able to hold it and then it will outgrow it.

And your pain will be just a speck in your world."

What the fuck is this nonsense?

So, I came across this picture tonight. It was just chilling in the depths of my hard drive. So, I happened upon it and then I spent roughly the next ten minutes convulsing with laughter. Because there are SO MANY THINGS I don't understand about this picture. Such as:

-Amy's face.

-The fact that this was ONLY FOUR YEARS AGO.

-The necklace I'm wearing (LOfuckingL)

-How I look even vaguely okay because I know for a fact I had a breakdown in the bathroom not more than like fifteen minutes before this was taken. Because that's what I did in high school. Cried over straight girls in bathrooms. At awards ceremonies. Ceremonies. Plural.

-Why Carly looks like she had been beaten.

-What Allie Pondelick is doing in this picture. Seriously. Why? No, really. WHY HOW WAS THIS NORMAL?

-My belt. A sign of things to come? I THINK SO.

Also, look at how badly everyone here is trying not to touch anyone else. Lmao.

I loved this

"It isn’t that to have an honorable relationship with you, I have to understand everything, or tell you everything at once, or that I can know, beforehand, everything I need to tell you.

It means that most of the time I am eager, longing for the possibility of telling you. That these possibilities may seem frightening, but not destructive, to me. That I feel strong enough to hear your tentative and groping words. That we both know we are trying, all the time, to extend the possibilities of truth between us.

The possibility of life between us."

-Adrienne Rich

Search Resul

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“for next time.”

Sometimes it’s a blunt
overarching statement:
“Don’t get hit by a bus.”
Other times it’s uttered in code
because it’s too hard to say
and too important not to say.

It’s hard to tell someone,
take this piece of me,
I’ll take this one of you,
we’ll go out into the world
away from each other
but I promise to come back,
return that piece safely,
put it back and take one
exactly like it

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Open

He might have been going for
sensuality – an open-mouthed kiss.
He may just have been talking
about opening a door.
Or legs.
But
I think the idea he was going for
was if you just
open your chest to the universe
and forget everything you know
about who’s supposed to like who
you might be surprised
at who you want to kiss.

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Close Friends

It makes me wonder
when my straight friends
can look at a woman staring,

ostensibly for hours,
through a schoolhouse window
at another woman teaching
and still think
they’re just close friends.

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1940

I don’t care if the door frame

draws a line between them.

The door between them

is only screen.

I don’t care if one of them is

in a button down shirt and vest

and the other’s in a sundress.

They're both still asking

the same question.

I don’t care if they don’t know

their hands are six inches apart

on either side of the wall.

They’re both still reaching

for each other.

One softly and one

with so much strength.

I don’t care if it was 1940.

I just want them to tear the door

open and kiss.

-

-

-

Purple Heart

Last night I found this plastic purple heart

You had given me the first Valentine’s Day

I was in love with you.

I found a fortune from a cookie

I must have crammed down inside it.

Pulled it out and read

“Never put all of your eggs in one basket”

I always did put all of my hope

In your heart.

You called me up later,

“Uh, oh. What’s wrong, buddy?”

You just knew by the way I said hello.

I didn't want to tell you

All I did say was,

“You owe me some sympathy pancakes."

“Ah. Sorry. How’s Tuesday?”

“Tuesday is perfect."

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So, I figured since I'll be writing some poems for Hochy this semester I might as well post them here.

Disclaimer: 90% of this poem is a lie.

Missing

See me

In the clothes I slept in and

Drank too many cups of coffee in

Driving to your house,

Windows down, my voice tracing

Over the words of a poet I fell

In love with today

See you

Dressed in a tight red skirt

Angry that your nails hadn’t

Dried before I honked

See us

Going to see a romantic comedy

So straight my head might explode

See you watching James Franco

See me trying not to consider your thighs

See us driving home. You missing me.

Me

Missing

You.

Fist Bump

"Oh, come on! It's a one man performance of Gilgamesh! What's not to love?"

"But..."

"Have you even read Gilgamesh?"

"I have read Gilgamesh, I swear. I actually liked it better than Beowulf."

"So, then what's your issue?"

"It's 5:45 on a Friday: I want to get out of here, man."

"Lame."

"Dude, I have dinner plans."

"Dinner plans. How original."
"No, really, I do."

"And who are these plans with?"

"The girl. Uh, you know."
"Oh, yeah, sure. Of course. The girl. Go ahead. Be more vague."

"The plans are with...the girl all of the poems are about."

"All of the poems?"
"All of the poems."

"See you on Tuesday, kid. Come early."
"You want us to come early now? An hour and a half not enough time to expand our minds?"

"No, just you come early. I'll fill you in on Gilgamesh."

Here's to bringing out the best in someone.

Kate told me tonight this is her favorite picture of us. I think it describes us and our friendship pretty well. I do stupid things to make her laugh. She follows my lead. We have a bunch of pictures in which she's smiling and I'm making a silly face. Of the million facets of our friendship I love, who I am when I'm around her is one of my favorites.

Six years later

Things I Found on the Interwebz (That I Love)

Some thoughts

-I have been sick for almost an entire month.

-I'm really looking forward to July.

-I'm in the process of trying to write Amy a 200 page letter.

-I realized tonight there's no way I'm going to make it to 200 pages.

-Today I found this tumblr that specifically features pictures of lesbians.

-I love both of these, and I definitely see some Laura and Rachel in the first.

Deer. In my yard. I love them.

Books

I recently put a bunch of my teen lit novels upstairs. I needed to make room for new books. Boxing them up made me sad, even though I know I will never give them away. Someday I’ll have a place of my own and enough room to display them all. And I really do want to display them all, even stuff I read when I was 13 or 14. No matter how much I grow as a person or how far I go, I will always cherish The Realm of Possibility and The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants series. Other books have greatly affected me since, but never more.

When someone gives me a book I like to write on the inside front cover who gave it to me. I especially love it when the giver does it for me. It’s my belief now that there’s no greater gift in life than story. When I was younger, in different phases of my life, I would have argued with this notion. I would have offered love or God or especially friendship as things that were the greatest gift. But now I understand that love and God and friendship…all those things are stories. Stories we believe in. Stories that change our lives. When I’m old I hope to have shelves and shelves of novels on display, of all the books that made me who I am. And when I look inside the covers I’ll see “From Amy” or “From Kate” or “From Dad” and I’ll know exactly who gave me each piece of my puzzle. I’ll know from whom I received each book and how the stories and the people I shared them with shaped my life.

Lumpie Insanity Part 1

Click for zee big big.

Deviosity Part 3

While Visions of Death Camps Danced in Her Head

This is just to say that last night I had a dream that Amy and Shannon and I went on vacation. We went on vacation to Poland. We went to Poland and we toured Auschwitz. Yes.

So, after touring Auschwitz for several emotionally draining hours Amy dissolved into tears and Shannon started throwing up. I don't really know. So Amy had this project...I guess it was for school or maybe it was just a personal thing she was doing because she's one of those intellectual people. Whatever. So Amy and Shannon were hanging out in the cafeteria trying to force themselves to eat something while I was standing in the crematoria taking pictures with Amy's camera. Some crazy dude walked in and started chatting me up and then two things happened:

1) Someone woman was saying how she didn't want to take pictures in the crematoria because it was disrespectful. So I asked her why it was "acceptable" to take pictures of the ominous iron sign under which a million people walked to their deaths and not "acceptable" to photograph the place where they burned their bodies. Which is actually a semi-interesting thought. Every piece of Auschwitz is horrifying...what makes any of it more or less horrible than other parts?

2) The dude who was chatting me up asked if I came here alone and I explained the situation and told him ya know, don't think me unaffected but my best friend has a project due and I ain't lettin' her get an F. So he asked why we made Auschwitz part of our vacation and I explained that it was really kind of Amy and Shannon's idea. When I think vacation, I told the man, I think of hiking and scuba diving, not a history lesson. Not that I didn't ever want to tour the place just, ya know, I thought we would save touring death camps for our forties.

I'm even funny in my dreams.

Deviosity Part 2

Deviosity Part 1

Today I Threw Away the IKEA Measuring Tape

So tonight Kate and I went to a lecture at Ramapo given by the fantastic lesbian cartoonist Alison Bechdel. Kate took off work, a fact that believe me, was not lost on me. But this was important mostly because the last time Kate and I tried to go to an event at Ramapo together I ended up having a crisis and then sobbing into the phone to Shannon for three hours. Let me explain.

You know how sometimes all the sadness/worry/whatever builds up inside of you and then the smallest event can make you freak out? I’ll give you an example. One time, when I was sixteen and new at my job I was prepping the start station and I ended up cutting my hand on the edge of a metal can. Seconds later I burst into tears. Now, in reality I was crying because I was new and this was the first job I had ever had and I didn’t know anyone and I didn’t know what the hell I was doing. I wasn’t crying because I cut my hand, that was just what happened to trigger it.

So back in November Kate and I had journeyed to Ramapo to see a play together and something about where I parked my car and Kate daring me to do something triggered me to freak out. (In retrospect it was, of course, really silly.) But I got freaked out and Kate and I tried to talk it out but then I said some hurtful stuff and she said some hurtful stuff and the whole evening just made us both feel really horrible and we didn’t go to the play (which actually turned out to be terrible but that is neither here nor there.)

Okay, so I told you all that to tell you this. Tonight Kate and I went to Ramapo and it was fine, great even. We even got dinner beforehand. And beside me bugging out over a short piece that it has been killing me to write, the night was really great. Kate even got to see James Hoch in person. Alison Bechdel + James Hoch = an evening made of win.

I guess I wanted to go back to Ramapo with Kate to prove to myself that I can face my fears and not let shit that happened in the past prevent me from doing the things I want to do. I’d like to think Kate and I can get to the point where we won’t have bad days anymore.

Blogging Arachnid (2001) Part One

Netflix has ruined my life and because of this watching movies has become a new hobby of mine. So I had this idea that I could “live blog” movies as I watch them. Some movies, such as this gem, I’m going to blog as I watch them for the first time (i.e. because I’m totally counting on the movie being great or at least good or bad-good or maybe I am just aware that it contains a hottie.) I think I might also blog-as-I-watch some other movies that I’ve seen before if I have something in particular I want to say about them. So some of these movie blogs will fall under reviews and some of them will fall under random strings of thoughts and some of them will fall under play-by-plays. This one definitely falls under play-by-plays. Mostly because there isn’t anything I can add to Stacie Ponder’s FANTASTIC review (Stacie Ponder's Fantastic Review). Even if you have zero interest in this movie or even zero interest in horror movies in general you should STILL go read that review. It is complete genius from beginning to end and if it doesn’t make you laugh your ass off then you are a shell of a human being. So check it out. Seriously. Stop reading this post and go read that. It’ll rock your effing world.

And now without further ado…here we go!

Let me be upfront: Alex Reid is really the only reason I’m watching this movie. Not that I’ve never watched a good-bad creature feature but it takes a lot for me to watch one. A lot being it has to be past one in the morning, I have to be in that state where I’m tired as fuck but can’t sleep yet, and the only other thing on has to be a rerun of one of those white trash talk shows where the audience is supposed to guess the gender of each participant in a never-ending conga line of drag queens and ugly straight women. After I think “God, that’s degrading” I will then switch over to said creature feature. Like I said, it takes a lot.

A bad CGI water tornado thing springs up.

Oh, my. The beginning of it, well, to me....kind of looks like a penis. What kind of lesbian am I? I’m watching this movie BECAUSE IT HAS A HOT CHICK IN IT. Damn it, Trish, focus. Okay. Onward.

So a pilot who has a “mean an extreme” decal affixed to his helmet flies like…directly into the water tornado thing. His instruments go all wonky and he ejects and lands on an island in the middle of Bumblefuck. His plane, now unmanned explodes in a cloud of terrible CGI.

A terrible CGI alien appears for no reason I can think of. There is the suggestion that the water tornado thing was created by the alien. If this is accurate then does this mean that ALL water tornado things are the handiwork of aliens? I don’t know. (If Stacie Ponder’s review is accurate (which I’m damn sure it is) then I have the feeling I’ll be saying “I don’t know” a lot.) Then, out of NOFUCKINGWHERE comes a HUGE fucking spider that like…consumes the alien thing. Whatever. The giant fucking spider then LEAPS into the air and a giant spider web drifts down over the pilot. The giant fucking spider then drops down OUT OF THE SKY in front of the pilot. BOOM! The title flashes.

Cut to an airfield in Guam. Alex Reid is walking around whilst wearing a jumpsuit and carrying a clipboard. She has been on the screen for approximately four seconds and I already can’t keep it in my pants. Calm the fuck down, Trish. Alright. At this point Alex Reid is now driving a jeep (check, please) and doing that squinty thing I love. She walks into the (army base?) hospital wearing a man purse(!) and then spies a man lying in a bed who looks severely burned. Do they know each other? I don’t know. Alex Reid (whose name is apparently Loren Mercer in this fine motion picture) asks the doctor what’s up with badly burned dude. My focus is waning because her hair looks terrible in this shot. I’m not posting a screen cap because I don’t want you to meet Alex Reid like this. And I don’t want to remember her like this. Some dickhead named Ned Valentine appears and shakes Alex Reid’s hand. He clearly wants to do her and I can’t blame him–even with the current hair sitch. Valentine wants Alex Reid to fly him to Bumblefuck and even if I hadn’t read Ms. Ponder’s review I could have seen where this is going. (Jurassic Park much?) Valentine has apparently lead many missions into Bumblefuck. Alex Reid seems concerned but he convinces her that they’ll be fine and I can tell now that if this plot was held together by chewing gum it would be better off. Side note: I just realized Alex Reid is faking an American-ish accent. It’s kind of hot. And she’s doing it pretty believably. Alright, so badly burned dude made it back (barely) from the place they’re heading. Good to know. The doctor wants Alex Reid and Valentine to find out what bit badly burned dude. They set them up with a native-ish guide and we’re off! I think.

Alex Reid presses approximately fifteen thousand buttons on the plane’s instrument panel and prepares for takeoff. Then she suddenly jumps out of the plane to ask some dude what the fuck he’s doing. I don’t know. We find out, along with our heroine Alex Reid, that the dude was bent over coaxing an actual large spider into the palm of his hand. Alex Reid shouts the obvious: to put it the fuck down cause it could be poisonous. We learn that the dude who doesn’t look like he knows what the fuck he’s doing is actually a spider-loving science nerd. So I guess he kind of….does know what he’s doing. How ironic. (What I want to know is what Alex Reid, a really good actress in my opinion, is doing in this movie.) Alex intimidates the guy into putting the GD spider down.

The science nerd then whips out his book entitled Arachnid Fun Facts and Alex begins perusing the back cover. At this point I am completely sure that while I would watch Alex Reid reading from a phonebook I would also watch Alex Reid looking at a phonebook. Anyway, Alex Reid shows the science nerd her softer side (which I’m hoping Valentine never gets to see) and listens to his spiel about how he *~understands~* spiders. According to him all they really want is food, shelter, and a mate. Alex says she hates them and just likes to step on them. Atta girl, Alex Reid.

So Valentine and his band of idiots now arrive (and here I thought we’d be taking off for the island ten minutes ago). There’s the doctor who we already met, a Hispanic nurse (who isn’t hot. God. Damn.), Valentine, a black guy and a white guy who are both sporting very large automatic weapons (Note to Amy: No, I don’t mean their cocks), and the native/guide dude and two of his closest native friends. We learn from the not hot Hispanic nurse that badly burned dude has succumb to the spider venom. Womp. Everybody boards the plane and Valentine says the more guns he has the safer he feels. Great.

The doomed clan finally take off for the island in Bumblefuck with the giant fucking spider on it. The flannel-clad science nerd is yammering on about spiders while the rest of the group politely pretend to listen. Our heroine Alex Reid is not a member of his captive audience because she is busy flying the plane and looking hot while doing it.

It is quite obvious that Alex Reid will be our final girl (fantastic) because, well, she’s one of only two women and the Hispanic nurse is so not going to make it.

Onward!

Blogging Arachnid (2001) Part Two

Valentine climbs to the front of the plane to start up annoying chitchat with Alex Reid. We find out that Valentine was in the marines. So was Bear (the black guy with the gun) and the white dude with the gun. I officially do not care. Alex is looking hot as hell and I am simultaneously screen capping the shit out of this movie and thanking the gods of Netflix. Valentine starts to come on to our heroine and she immediately rebuffs the shit out of him. Huzzah. Alex Reid’s instrument panel goes all wonky as she approaches the island. Suddenly the plane loses all power and our heroine tells everyone to assume crash positions. Alex crashes the plane very well and everyone survives more or less unharmed. She examines the plane’s engine and explains that it’s fine, so there’s no explanation of what caused it to crash. The Hispanic nurse credits God for saving their lives and Alex Reid corrects her by saying, ya know, it was actually her flying the damn plane and so she’s the reason they’re not all dead. I have to agree with Alex Reid on this one.

While everyone tries to salvage whatever they can from the crashed plane the science nerd goes off on his own and finds some spiders to play with. Some liquid starts dripping on the science nerd’s camper hat and then the liquid/camper hat combo starts to smolder. ZOMG! It must be smoldering spider venom! That’s what happened to badly burned dude! Sigh. The white dude with the gun comes over and starts firing into the rustling bushes above the science guy. Chunks of giant spider land on the beach. Oh, yeah. They’re on a beach, by the way.

It’s now nighttime on the beach and everyone is huddled around a campfire. Alex Reid is inexplicably reading up on various Arachnid Fun Facts. Maybe she’s just reading it cause it’s the only book they have with them. Regardless, hot girl has brains.

Valentine says that Alex Reid has reviewed the plane and that she thinks they could attempt a beach takeoff. The doctor blames both the plane and Alex for the crash and Alex Reid basically tells him to suck her dick. The doctor says that they’re there to find out what killed badly burned dude and that they’re not going to leave until they complete their mission. Valentine defends Alex Reid and tells the doctor she’s the only reason they’re still alive. Alex stalks away to sit by herself and her hair looks amazing while doing it.

The doomed group sets off in the morning and am I seriously the only one who is concerned that when the tide washes in it’s going to carry the plane away? The plane is practically in the water NOW. Oh whatever. I just…I can’t…I don’t…I don’t know.

Alex Reid and the bitchy Hispanic nurse bicker. The Hispanic nurse comes up to our heroine and tells her that she has a brown belt in whateverthefuck martial art. I have the feeling Alex Reid’s new knowledge of fun facts about arachnids is going to come in handy more so than that brown belt against their soon to be found out enemy, you know, the giant fucking spider.

Bitchy Hispanic Nurse: I could survive easily in the jungle on my own. I’m actually very skilled in the art of taekwondo.

Alex Reid: Hmm. Impressive. I just fly planes.

Alex Reid for the win! And I love how the nurse thinks being skilled at taekwondo is going to help her survive in a fucking jungle. Alex Reid just kind of smirks off the transgression and the group finally departs.

Not more than three seconds into their journeying the stupid white guy with the gun (he might actually be Hispanic, and when I say that I mean that the man actually is Hispanic and I overlooked it) walks under a tree off of which a bunch of ticks leap. Alex Reid treks off approximately a mile away from the group to take a piss but Valentine somehow is still able to interrupt her mid-piss. Dude, that is so not polite. Valentine tells Alex Reid to beware the ticks and she replies that she can take care of herself. Alex Reid replies this just as….she falls into a giant hole in the ground. Valentine tries to pull her out. She shrieks that something is grabbing at her boot (the fucking huge spider!) and he eventually pulls her out with the help of the black dude with the gun. As she climbs out she and Valentine realize that their shirts are stuck together via spider web. The black guy with the gun and I are both like “Yeah, whatever.” But the truth is I do not like Alex Reid being stuck to a boy. I DON’T LIKE IT. But I am kind of partial to Alex Reid now being forced to walk around in her bra. Let’s see how long this lasts.

Valentine then proceeds to climb headfirst down the hole in the ground that they just managed to get Alex out of because apparently one of her boots is down there. He retrieves the boot and the audience sees what the main characters do not: the giant fucking spider posturing below.

Alex Reid and the black guy with the gun and Valentine trek the mile back to where the rest of their hapless party is. The white guy with the gun is freaking out due to the ticks that leapt onto him before. As the group tries to deal with this Alex Reid does lots of gratuitous bending over in her bra. I’m not saying I condone this but I will say that I screen capped it. A girl’s gotta do, ya know what I’m saying? No? Well, fine then. The doctor and bitchy Hispanic nurse yell at the science nerd for not knowing what to do about the whole tick problem. He storms off with his feelings hurt and Alex goes after him. What follows is probably my favorite scene so far. Alex consoles the science nerd, who is more than a little gay, now that I think about it. He also kind of looks like David Sedaris now that I think about it too. Anyway, our heroine gives him a pep talk and gets him back on his feet.

Alex Reid: You know, I remember the first time I flew an F-14 Tomcat. I was so scared I almost planted it nose-first into the deck. They wanted to ground me. I’m still flying.

This scene makes it really obvious, to me at least, that Alex Reid is a very good actress trapped in a very bad movie. First off, I actually believe that the woman flies fighter planes. Secondly, we the audience sympathize with the science nerd at this moment as much as she does.

Alex and the science nerd walk back to the white guy with the gun and the rest of the clan. The ticks kind of burrow into the white guy with a gun’s skin and eventually he EXPLODES TICKS. I just…I don’t…I can’t…I don’t know.

The group continues onward and they eventually come across some remnants of a civilization. Unless the giant fucking spider is an excellent homemaker I don’t know what the fuck is going on. The natives are killing birds by shooting them with homemade poison arrows. Something tells me this will come in handy later.

Alex Reid apologizes to Valentine who is actually turning out to be less of a dick than we both thought (we being me and Alex). She says she was out of line on the plane. Blah blah. She reveals that she wanted to come to this island to search for her brother (the fighter pilot from the beginning of the movie! I knew it! Sigh.) who was lost at sea. (The DVD case says she’s searching for her boyfriend and that is how little the people who produced this movie care about plot details. But whatever. If she’s searching for a brother then there’s really nothing in this whole movie that prevents me from believing her character is gay so YAY FOR THE DEAD BROTHER I SAY!)

Now it is nighttime which means it's the perfect time for a GIANT MILLIPEDE ATTACK.

You guys. You guys. I can’t…I don’t…okay…look. I am terrified of insects. But there is nothing in this movie that is even vaguely frightening. I mean, okay, the guy puking up giant ticks was kind of gross but what are you gonna do? It’s a bug movie. Get over it. Get over it and watch Alex Reid being all awesome.

Anyway a giant fucking millipede (that looks like a snake with the head of a giant (fucking) shrimp attached to it) strangles one of the natives against a tree. I’m laughing and all the other characters seem completely unimpressed.

Blogging Arachnid (2001) Part Three

So Valentine and another native attack the giant fucking millipede with their gunz BUT SOMEHOW IT ESCAPES. So now all the remaining characters are mulling around the dark campsite with large automatic weapons. This is amazing because THEY ARE BEING STALKED BY A MILLIPEDE. They spy it slinking across the thatched roof of a bungalow and open fire. What I love is that they all seem totally convinced that this is the ONLY giant millipede on the island. There couldn’t possibly be more! At one point the Amazing Jumping Giant Millipede goes LEAPING across the screen whilst emitting a high-pitched “WEEEE” sound. I just…I can’t...I don’t…

Alex shares a very special moment with Valentine in which she tells him just how much she misses her dead navy pilot brother. Alex Reid has said “brother” and not “boyfriend” twice now so I’m sure it isn’t a fluke. She is a lesbian and that’s all there is to it god fucking damn it. After showing the softer side of Sears our heroine and Valentine decide that while chilling with the giant millipede and ticks has been great and all there is quite possibly a giant fucking spider roaming the island and that due to this the best course of action would be to get their asses off the effing island. I concur. So the group plans to depart for the beach in the morning. However, Alex Reid decides she’s not leaving the island without finding out what happened to her brother (not boyfriend). In a scene which serves the solitary purpose of showing Alex Reid playing with a large weapon (YES!) Valentine tells her that he’ll help her find her brother (not boyfriend).

The science nerd is now inexplicably wandering through the jungle alone collecting samples. He looks up and sees giant spider webs suspended in the giant trees. The black guy with the gun and (I think) the last remaining native(?) are in a river. The black guy with the gun is singing…something as he wades through the waist- deep river. The native joins in singing and the two men…the black guy with the gun and the native start…dancing as they wade through the water. I can’t…I don’t. Just then the giant fucking spider, obscured by the bushes, hurls venom at the native from across the river that connects directly with his face. The native somehow manages to up and die immediately and so now the black guy with the gun is alone in the river.

Cut to the science guy falling down a decline for absolutely no reason. The area is COVERED in spider silk. Has the science nerd stumbled into…THE LAIR OF THE BEAST?! I think he has. The science nerd starts studying the paralyzed giant millipede that he comes across. Cause, ya know, that’s what anyone would do in that situation. (Actually, I would get the fuck out of Dodge but whatever, that’s just silly old me.) The science nerd looks up and we hear him scream as the giant spider descends on him off camera. Is that the last of the gay science nerd? He was my favorite character besides Alex. Sigh.

Valentine finds the heavily decayed corpse of Alex Reid’s brother (not boyfriend) in a tree and calls her over to see. This doesn’t seem like the polite thing to do but I guess if you hypothetically were searching for your brother on an island after he had been missing for ten months you would be at least somewhat mentally prepared for finding his body. The bitchy Hispanic nurse, in an uncharacteristic moment of kindness, offers her condolences to Alex. Instead of telling her to go fuck herself Alex just thanks her. Atta girl, Alex. The doctor asks what could have possibly done this (he seems kind of slow for a doctor) and the last remaining native (this one really IS the last one) tells him what we’re all thinking: Duh. The giant fucking spider did it. Anyway, Alex buries her brother (not boyfriend) and vows to kill the son of a bitch who did this to him. Yes, that line is very funny because she’s talking about a spider. I didn’t really get much out of the burial scene other than a good laugh and the knowledge that Alex Reid has lovely eyelashes. Ahem.

The giant fucking spider is stringing up the science nerd in a giant web. Oddly enough the nerd is kind of loving it. For him this is kind of like a basketball fan meeting Michael Jordan, ya know what I mean? He’s a spider lover meeting the world’s largest spider and I guess at least for him that’s actually a pretty cool death. The remaining group stumbles upon the strung up nerd. They are now ALL in the lair of the beast and the beast is about to do some serious ass kicking. Or some serious munching as it is. WHOA. The giant spider appears on screen super randomly and I actually just jumped a little. This is actually our first real introduction to the critter, in which we get to see totally what it looks like for the first time. Let’s get you guys acquainted, shall we?

The Hispanic nurse tries to run away and ends up running headlong into a giant web. Good job, lady. Some bongo music plays while the doctor FINALLY gets devoured by the spider. Actually, the spider throws up all over his face first. But whatever. Valentine is still struggling to free the Hispanic nurse from the web when Alex Reid declares “I have an idea!” (She’s hot AND smart and Alex Reid will you marry me?) She sprays…something on the web (hair detangler?) and the web immediately parts. The Hispanic nurse is free. I’m sure she’ll live another five whole minutes. The final three: (I think they’re down to three. Unless that one native is still alive. I’m not really sure) Alex, Valentine, and the Hispanic nurse (I never thought she’d make it this far. But I have also yet to see her bust out any taekwondo moves) come across a metal structure in the woods that is ostensibly left over from the war. (What war, you ask? I don’t know. Neither do the writers. Or Alex Reid. Or anyone.) They hide inside of it and Valentine for the first time verbalizes his fear that they’re not going to make it off the island. He also tells us how basically out of ammo they all are. The spider starts climbing across the tin roof and Valentine wastes the little ammo they have left. The spider suddenly knocks down the back wall of the structure and Valentine, out of ammo, decides it’s a good idea to charge it with a machete. The giant spider picks up Valentine and shakes him around like a rag doll. Alex Reid is an amazing shot apparently and shoots the spider in one of its eyes, barely missing Valentine’s head. The giant spider retreats and the Hispanic nurse treats Valentine’s wounds.

Night falls and Valentine and the Hispanic nurse (Susie) are sleeping while Alex stands guard and further peruses her copy of Arachnid Fun Facts. At this point I don’t think I need to tell you guys that Alex is looking super hot in this scene.

I’m feeling kind of weak in the knees. Oh, wait, I’m sitting down. Good. Valentine awakes and asks Alex if she’s read anything useful. She says she’s learned that spiders are susceptible to toxins. She suggests maybe there’s something in the med kit that they can use. Neither Valentine nor I feel that injecting the spider with asprin is a good idea but hey, there’s nothing a girl with moxie (Shout out to Kate) can’t do. So let’s see how this shit pans out.

The giant fucking spider somehow manages to coax its way in through the largest gap the ceiling of a building has ever had in the history of ever. It drops down silently behind the patrolling Alex and her two unsuspecting comrades. They flee to the back room of the building which was previously padlocked and described as impenetrable. However, in a moment of desperation Alex simply taps on the lock and it springs open. I don’t know. They scuttle inside and slam the door behind them. After being inside for approximately four seconds Susie the Hispanic nurse decides to reopen the door to check to see if the spider has magically disappeared. The spider grabs Susie and proceeds to stab her repeatedly while Alex screams “FUCK YOU!” and fires a round off into its face.

R.I.P. Susie

The spider has apparently grown in strength and is trying hard to break down the barricaded door. Alex discovers a trapdoor in the floor and she and Valentine jump through it. They land in...the underground dwelling of the giant spider. Of course. They eventually emerge out of a small earthen cave into the cool night air. Alex is basically carrying the injured Valentine at this point. Sisters doin’ it for ourselves. Or, I guess in this case, a dude, but whatever. That’s cool too.

Alex and Valentine lie down on the ground to rest for a moment. Alex shuts her gorgeous eyes and just as she does so she imagines a voice calling her name. Could it be the voice of her brother (not boyfriend)? THEN! Mercer aka Alex SEES her brother. He’s walking towards her and he is trailing spider webs. And then! And then! Her brother totally morphs into the giant spider. WHOA!

Alex awakes and standing in front of her are Bear, the black guy with the gun and the remaining native who it turns out is not dead yet! Bear explains that they tracked her scent or SOMETHING, I don’t even KNOW at this point, you guys. Alex tells Bear that she wants the giant spider dead and Bear says that’s what he’s here for. My question is then, if that’s what you’re here for, Bear…where the fuck were you for two whole days? I thought you were dead, man. So the group (Alex, Bear, Valentine, and the last native) travel BACK into the tunnel in what I guess is an attempt to hunt the thing now that Bear and all his ammo are coming with. Alex and Bear and the last native ditch Valentine in one of the tunnels and leave him there with a gun. They tell him they’ll return for him soon. The last native and Alex and Bear continue onward to the underground lair of the beast. Alex spies a giant spider web sack (gross) and tells Bear to cover her cause she’s going to go examine it (the science nerd rubbed off on her way too much).

Alex tells Bear that the giant spider is sleeping inside the giant ball of silk and that she’s going to cut it down so he can empty all of their remaining ammunition into it. As she is relaying this plan the giant spider wakes up and drops down onto Bear. The giant spider pokes one of Bear’s eyes out but then the last native comes to the rescue and jams a spear deep into the spider’s side. The spider chases the native into a cave and I think Bear is dead. Alex grabs Bear’s gun and opens fire. This god damn fucking spider WILL NOT DIE. The spider chases after Alex who promptly flees down a tunnel. She falls (GOD DAMN) and slams her head into a rock. As she comes to she feels silk descending upon her. Our heroine is getting dumped on by a giant spider which is so not cool. The spider has trapped Alex and is just about to nom on her when Valentine runs in and opens fire on it. Then the native opens fire with more of his homemade poison arrows (spiders are susceptible to toxins!) (what the fuck was he waiting for?!) and the spider falls off the ceiling and is impaled on a giant stalagmite. ALEX REID IS VICTORIOUS.

Our plucky heroine delivers the film’s last line: “Fuck. I hate spiders,” and she and the native carry Valentine out of the tunnels and back into the jungle to find the plane. As they walk toward the beach the camera pans high and we see another giant fucking spider (an even creepier one) lurking in the trees.

Does our heroine make it back to the plane? Does Alex Reid make it back to civilization? I’d like to believe that she does.

If Alex Reid had not starred in this movie then I never would have watched it in the first place. I wanted to watch a creature feature with an impossibly sexy lead and Arachnid totally delivered the goods. Arachnid gave me Alex Reid as a fighter pilot and for that I will be forever grateful.

50 facts about me

The original plan was to make this into a video. But then the semester started. Yeah. So, here ya go, 50 facts about myself...more than you ever probably wanted to know.

1. I didn’t go to the 2009 gay rights march cause I didn’t have anyone to go with.

2. When I get nervous my voice shakes.

3. I sometimes have trouble saying the words:

1) Totalitarian

2) Vehemently

3) Bourgeoisie

4. I’ve told many people that I paid for half of my first car. I didn’t. My father paid for all eleven thousand dollars of it.

5. My ninth grade math teacher caught me masturbating.

6. Once in a while I’ll still completely fabricate a story. But it’s very rare.

7. I understand what guys mean when they say sometimes looking at a girl’s tits is kind of involuntary.

8. I tell people that I’m 5’10 when I’m really 5’9 and a half. I’ve always wanted to be 5’11. So not going to happen.

9. I seem to find a lot of older women to be really attractive. And I’m talking over 40.

10. I like to play with fire.

11. I think I may have mostly forgotten how to swim.

12. I never ever want to travel down south. EVER.

13. I have two really good friends who I’ve never seen without makeup on and sometimes I wonder what they really look like.

14. The two best films I’ve ever seen are:

1. The Wrestler

2. Gia

15. I think I could own a dog someday despite my fear of loud noises.

16. I don’t participate in class unless I’m forced to.

17. I severely miss getting hugged on a regular basis.

18. I have had two concussions in my life so far. I expect there will be a few more.

19. I am completely fascinated with memento mori.

20. I frequently dance from room to room in my house.

21. I was homeschooled for half of 7^th grade.

22. I’ve finally learned to tell people “no.” Well….some people.

23. I really miss going to open mic nights but I can’t seem to force myself to go to one.

24. I haven’t worn contacts in about…5 months.

25. Freshman year of high school I went to first period intoxicated more than a few times.

26. My parents were too cheap to buy me braces. Thanks, guys.

27. If I could only listen to one artist for the rest of my life it would have to be Ani D.

28. I have a history with self-injury.

29. I lost my virginity to a person I never even liked.

30. The only thing I’ve ever stolen-stolen was a kush ball when I was four years old.

31. I’ve had surgery on my pink toe.

32. If my calculations are correct, I have fallen in love with:

1. Two friends

2. Three actresses

3. Four characters created by other people

4. Two characters I imagined myself

5. Several strangers

6. Tens of people I’ve never met or seen

33. In the past few months I’ve asked out three girls:

1. One turned out to be straight

2. One turned out to be crazy.

3. One turned out to have a girlfriend

34. I smoke in ALL of my dreams.

35. I once helped pay for a friend’s abortion.

36. I did ballet for two years when I was younger.

37. One night freshman year of college I had a premonition that I was going to die the next day. Wrong.

38. I have seen two ghosts:
1. One was my great grandmother in my current house.

2. One was a complete stranger in a hotel room (I suspect he died there).

39. I am pretty scared of getting my wisdom teeth taken out.

40. I love getting shots and having blood taken.

41. I used to wear makeup and carry a purse and wear Abercrombie. I used to be a completely different person.

42. I used to not be attracted to blonds (but now I am.)

43. I am physically incapable of rolling r’s. I’ve tried all my life.

44. I couldn’t swallow pills until I was 19. Not even Sudafed.

45. Sometimes when I’m running down many flights of stairs at a time I like to pretend that I’m a secret agent.

46. I never want to live more than three hours away from a beach or my best friend. But it’s clear which one I would choose if I had to.

47. I like to go for walks in downpours. Without an umbrella, of course.

48. I have a really loud clap. Like…REALLY loud.

49. I have seen every artist I've ever really liked live. I'm a lucky little shit.

50. I talk to people when I am alone all the time.