Right now I feel like I'm holding my breath. I want to be in the water, I want more than anything to try to make this work. But I don’t want to breathe in the water. I don’t want the darkness to come again. So I’m trying to swim. And I think right now that’s all I can ask for. I’m holding my breath. I’ll see what happens with trying to live in between. I'll see what happens when I remind myself everyday that life is both.