Deviosity Part 3

While Visions of Death Camps Danced in Her Head

This is just to say that last night I had a dream that Amy and Shannon and I went on vacation. We went on vacation to Poland. We went to Poland and we toured Auschwitz. Yes.

So, after touring Auschwitz for several emotionally draining hours Amy dissolved into tears and Shannon started throwing up. I don't really know. So Amy had this project...I guess it was for school or maybe it was just a personal thing she was doing because she's one of those intellectual people. Whatever. So Amy and Shannon were hanging out in the cafeteria trying to force themselves to eat something while I was standing in the crematoria taking pictures with Amy's camera. Some crazy dude walked in and started chatting me up and then two things happened:

1) Someone woman was saying how she didn't want to take pictures in the crematoria because it was disrespectful. So I asked her why it was "acceptable" to take pictures of the ominous iron sign under which a million people walked to their deaths and not "acceptable" to photograph the place where they burned their bodies. Which is actually a semi-interesting thought. Every piece of Auschwitz is horrifying...what makes any of it more or less horrible than other parts?

2) The dude who was chatting me up asked if I came here alone and I explained the situation and told him ya know, don't think me unaffected but my best friend has a project due and I ain't lettin' her get an F. So he asked why we made Auschwitz part of our vacation and I explained that it was really kind of Amy and Shannon's idea. When I think vacation, I told the man, I think of hiking and scuba diving, not a history lesson. Not that I didn't ever want to tour the place just, ya know, I thought we would save touring death camps for our forties.

I'm even funny in my dreams.

Deviosity Part 2

Deviosity Part 1

Today I Threw Away the IKEA Measuring Tape

So tonight Kate and I went to a lecture at Ramapo given by the fantastic lesbian cartoonist Alison Bechdel. Kate took off work, a fact that believe me, was not lost on me. But this was important mostly because the last time Kate and I tried to go to an event at Ramapo together I ended up having a crisis and then sobbing into the phone to Shannon for three hours. Let me explain.

You know how sometimes all the sadness/worry/whatever builds up inside of you and then the smallest event can make you freak out? I’ll give you an example. One time, when I was sixteen and new at my job I was prepping the start station and I ended up cutting my hand on the edge of a metal can. Seconds later I burst into tears. Now, in reality I was crying because I was new and this was the first job I had ever had and I didn’t know anyone and I didn’t know what the hell I was doing. I wasn’t crying because I cut my hand, that was just what happened to trigger it.

So back in November Kate and I had journeyed to Ramapo to see a play together and something about where I parked my car and Kate daring me to do something triggered me to freak out. (In retrospect it was, of course, really silly.) But I got freaked out and Kate and I tried to talk it out but then I said some hurtful stuff and she said some hurtful stuff and the whole evening just made us both feel really horrible and we didn’t go to the play (which actually turned out to be terrible but that is neither here nor there.)

Okay, so I told you all that to tell you this. Tonight Kate and I went to Ramapo and it was fine, great even. We even got dinner beforehand. And beside me bugging out over a short piece that it has been killing me to write, the night was really great. Kate even got to see James Hoch in person. Alison Bechdel + James Hoch = an evening made of win.

I guess I wanted to go back to Ramapo with Kate to prove to myself that I can face my fears and not let shit that happened in the past prevent me from doing the things I want to do. I’d like to think Kate and I can get to the point where we won’t have bad days anymore.