Blogging Arachnid (2001) Part Three

So Valentine and another native attack the giant fucking millipede with their gunz BUT SOMEHOW IT ESCAPES. So now all the remaining characters are mulling around the dark campsite with large automatic weapons. This is amazing because THEY ARE BEING STALKED BY A MILLIPEDE. They spy it slinking across the thatched roof of a bungalow and open fire. What I love is that they all seem totally convinced that this is the ONLY giant millipede on the island. There couldn’t possibly be more! At one point the Amazing Jumping Giant Millipede goes LEAPING across the screen whilst emitting a high-pitched “WEEEE” sound. I just…I can’t...I don’t…

Alex shares a very special moment with Valentine in which she tells him just how much she misses her dead navy pilot brother. Alex Reid has said “brother” and not “boyfriend” twice now so I’m sure it isn’t a fluke. She is a lesbian and that’s all there is to it god fucking damn it. After showing the softer side of Sears our heroine and Valentine decide that while chilling with the giant millipede and ticks has been great and all there is quite possibly a giant fucking spider roaming the island and that due to this the best course of action would be to get their asses off the effing island. I concur. So the group plans to depart for the beach in the morning. However, Alex Reid decides she’s not leaving the island without finding out what happened to her brother (not boyfriend). In a scene which serves the solitary purpose of showing Alex Reid playing with a large weapon (YES!) Valentine tells her that he’ll help her find her brother (not boyfriend).

The science nerd is now inexplicably wandering through the jungle alone collecting samples. He looks up and sees giant spider webs suspended in the giant trees. The black guy with the gun and (I think) the last remaining native(?) are in a river. The black guy with the gun is singing…something as he wades through the waist- deep river. The native joins in singing and the two men…the black guy with the gun and the native start…dancing as they wade through the water. I can’t…I don’t. Just then the giant fucking spider, obscured by the bushes, hurls venom at the native from across the river that connects directly with his face. The native somehow manages to up and die immediately and so now the black guy with the gun is alone in the river.

Cut to the science guy falling down a decline for absolutely no reason. The area is COVERED in spider silk. Has the science nerd stumbled into…THE LAIR OF THE BEAST?! I think he has. The science nerd starts studying the paralyzed giant millipede that he comes across. Cause, ya know, that’s what anyone would do in that situation. (Actually, I would get the fuck out of Dodge but whatever, that’s just silly old me.) The science nerd looks up and we hear him scream as the giant spider descends on him off camera. Is that the last of the gay science nerd? He was my favorite character besides Alex. Sigh.

Valentine finds the heavily decayed corpse of Alex Reid’s brother (not boyfriend) in a tree and calls her over to see. This doesn’t seem like the polite thing to do but I guess if you hypothetically were searching for your brother on an island after he had been missing for ten months you would be at least somewhat mentally prepared for finding his body. The bitchy Hispanic nurse, in an uncharacteristic moment of kindness, offers her condolences to Alex. Instead of telling her to go fuck herself Alex just thanks her. Atta girl, Alex. The doctor asks what could have possibly done this (he seems kind of slow for a doctor) and the last remaining native (this one really IS the last one) tells him what we’re all thinking: Duh. The giant fucking spider did it. Anyway, Alex buries her brother (not boyfriend) and vows to kill the son of a bitch who did this to him. Yes, that line is very funny because she’s talking about a spider. I didn’t really get much out of the burial scene other than a good laugh and the knowledge that Alex Reid has lovely eyelashes. Ahem.

The giant fucking spider is stringing up the science nerd in a giant web. Oddly enough the nerd is kind of loving it. For him this is kind of like a basketball fan meeting Michael Jordan, ya know what I mean? He’s a spider lover meeting the world’s largest spider and I guess at least for him that’s actually a pretty cool death. The remaining group stumbles upon the strung up nerd. They are now ALL in the lair of the beast and the beast is about to do some serious ass kicking. Or some serious munching as it is. WHOA. The giant spider appears on screen super randomly and I actually just jumped a little. This is actually our first real introduction to the critter, in which we get to see totally what it looks like for the first time. Let’s get you guys acquainted, shall we?

The Hispanic nurse tries to run away and ends up running headlong into a giant web. Good job, lady. Some bongo music plays while the doctor FINALLY gets devoured by the spider. Actually, the spider throws up all over his face first. But whatever. Valentine is still struggling to free the Hispanic nurse from the web when Alex Reid declares “I have an idea!” (She’s hot AND smart and Alex Reid will you marry me?) She sprays…something on the web (hair detangler?) and the web immediately parts. The Hispanic nurse is free. I’m sure she’ll live another five whole minutes. The final three: (I think they’re down to three. Unless that one native is still alive. I’m not really sure) Alex, Valentine, and the Hispanic nurse (I never thought she’d make it this far. But I have also yet to see her bust out any taekwondo moves) come across a metal structure in the woods that is ostensibly left over from the war. (What war, you ask? I don’t know. Neither do the writers. Or Alex Reid. Or anyone.) They hide inside of it and Valentine for the first time verbalizes his fear that they’re not going to make it off the island. He also tells us how basically out of ammo they all are. The spider starts climbing across the tin roof and Valentine wastes the little ammo they have left. The spider suddenly knocks down the back wall of the structure and Valentine, out of ammo, decides it’s a good idea to charge it with a machete. The giant spider picks up Valentine and shakes him around like a rag doll. Alex Reid is an amazing shot apparently and shoots the spider in one of its eyes, barely missing Valentine’s head. The giant spider retreats and the Hispanic nurse treats Valentine’s wounds.

Night falls and Valentine and the Hispanic nurse (Susie) are sleeping while Alex stands guard and further peruses her copy of Arachnid Fun Facts. At this point I don’t think I need to tell you guys that Alex is looking super hot in this scene.

I’m feeling kind of weak in the knees. Oh, wait, I’m sitting down. Good. Valentine awakes and asks Alex if she’s read anything useful. She says she’s learned that spiders are susceptible to toxins. She suggests maybe there’s something in the med kit that they can use. Neither Valentine nor I feel that injecting the spider with asprin is a good idea but hey, there’s nothing a girl with moxie (Shout out to Kate) can’t do. So let’s see how this shit pans out.

The giant fucking spider somehow manages to coax its way in through the largest gap the ceiling of a building has ever had in the history of ever. It drops down silently behind the patrolling Alex and her two unsuspecting comrades. They flee to the back room of the building which was previously padlocked and described as impenetrable. However, in a moment of desperation Alex simply taps on the lock and it springs open. I don’t know. They scuttle inside and slam the door behind them. After being inside for approximately four seconds Susie the Hispanic nurse decides to reopen the door to check to see if the spider has magically disappeared. The spider grabs Susie and proceeds to stab her repeatedly while Alex screams “FUCK YOU!” and fires a round off into its face.

R.I.P. Susie

The spider has apparently grown in strength and is trying hard to break down the barricaded door. Alex discovers a trapdoor in the floor and she and Valentine jump through it. They land in...the underground dwelling of the giant spider. Of course. They eventually emerge out of a small earthen cave into the cool night air. Alex is basically carrying the injured Valentine at this point. Sisters doin’ it for ourselves. Or, I guess in this case, a dude, but whatever. That’s cool too.

Alex and Valentine lie down on the ground to rest for a moment. Alex shuts her gorgeous eyes and just as she does so she imagines a voice calling her name. Could it be the voice of her brother (not boyfriend)? THEN! Mercer aka Alex SEES her brother. He’s walking towards her and he is trailing spider webs. And then! And then! Her brother totally morphs into the giant spider. WHOA!

Alex awakes and standing in front of her are Bear, the black guy with the gun and the remaining native who it turns out is not dead yet! Bear explains that they tracked her scent or SOMETHING, I don’t even KNOW at this point, you guys. Alex tells Bear that she wants the giant spider dead and Bear says that’s what he’s here for. My question is then, if that’s what you’re here for, Bear…where the fuck were you for two whole days? I thought you were dead, man. So the group (Alex, Bear, Valentine, and the last native) travel BACK into the tunnel in what I guess is an attempt to hunt the thing now that Bear and all his ammo are coming with. Alex and Bear and the last native ditch Valentine in one of the tunnels and leave him there with a gun. They tell him they’ll return for him soon. The last native and Alex and Bear continue onward to the underground lair of the beast. Alex spies a giant spider web sack (gross) and tells Bear to cover her cause she’s going to go examine it (the science nerd rubbed off on her way too much).

Alex tells Bear that the giant spider is sleeping inside the giant ball of silk and that she’s going to cut it down so he can empty all of their remaining ammunition into it. As she is relaying this plan the giant spider wakes up and drops down onto Bear. The giant spider pokes one of Bear’s eyes out but then the last native comes to the rescue and jams a spear deep into the spider’s side. The spider chases the native into a cave and I think Bear is dead. Alex grabs Bear’s gun and opens fire. This god damn fucking spider WILL NOT DIE. The spider chases after Alex who promptly flees down a tunnel. She falls (GOD DAMN) and slams her head into a rock. As she comes to she feels silk descending upon her. Our heroine is getting dumped on by a giant spider which is so not cool. The spider has trapped Alex and is just about to nom on her when Valentine runs in and opens fire on it. Then the native opens fire with more of his homemade poison arrows (spiders are susceptible to toxins!) (what the fuck was he waiting for?!) and the spider falls off the ceiling and is impaled on a giant stalagmite. ALEX REID IS VICTORIOUS.

Our plucky heroine delivers the film’s last line: “Fuck. I hate spiders,” and she and the native carry Valentine out of the tunnels and back into the jungle to find the plane. As they walk toward the beach the camera pans high and we see another giant fucking spider (an even creepier one) lurking in the trees.

Does our heroine make it back to the plane? Does Alex Reid make it back to civilization? I’d like to believe that she does.

If Alex Reid had not starred in this movie then I never would have watched it in the first place. I wanted to watch a creature feature with an impossibly sexy lead and Arachnid totally delivered the goods. Arachnid gave me Alex Reid as a fighter pilot and for that I will be forever grateful.