A Rambling About RENT

It’s hard to describe exactly what Rent means to me. The truth is that it has been so much a part of me these last few years, the most important years of my life thus far, that at times I almost forget about it. I just kind of breathe it.

I vaguely remember clicking on an article about Rent four years ago. I’m pretty sure I had heard about it in passing before, but at the time I had no idea what it was about. I read in the snippet below the link that Rent’s story included well-rounded gay characters and clicked for the hell of it.

Rent’s inclusion and positive portrayal of gay and lesbian characters was initially what drew me to it.

To faggots, lezzies, dykes, cross dressers too /
To me / To me / To me /
To you, and you, and you, you and you

I began falling in love with Rent at the same time I began the process of coming out to my friends. In a very real way, the family of friends the main characters are a part of is what I was longing for.

To being an us for once / Instead of a them

The love the characters have for one another transcends the specifics of who they are. It would be hard to find a group of people more different, and yet they recognize the fact that they are all, in so many ways, the same. When I first found Rent I was mainly attracted to its subversive themes. Years later, if I had to describe what Rent is about, I would merely answer “love.” The most universal aspect of the show has become my favorite.

As I’ve grown as a person the depth I’m able to find in Rent has only increased. There is always another facet to discover. Listening to Rent I often find myself thinking that it is the only story I will ever truly need. It has gotten me through the toughest period of my life. In many ways, I feel like it is my religion. There was the summer I couldn’t listen to “Without You” without bursting into tears.

Without you / The seeds root

The flowers bloom / The children play / 

The stars gleam / The poets dream / 

The eagles fly / Without you

The Earth turns / The sun burns

But I die / Without you

There was the winter I kept having a recurring dream of meeting Angel. The only way I could describe it was to call it the exact opposite of a nightmare. I still remember her, dressed in her Santa suit and zebra stripe tights. I remember what it felt like hugging her, afraid that her smaller frame would break with the strength of my hug. Like hugging Amy. I would wake up feeling so peaceful. I would wake up with tears in my eyes and a warm current of energy passing through me. The only other time I’ve felt this was the night I found God. So now, sometimes, when I pray, I pray to Angel. And I hope that when I get to heaven someday that’s what it will feel like: love. Love and hugging Amy.

The filmmaker cannot see / And the songwriter cannot hear /

Yet I see Mimi everywhere / Angel's voice is in my ear

I love that I stumbled upon Rent almost by accident. I’ve always felt that it was one of those things that was out of my control and yet bound to happen to me.

I can’t control / My destiny / 

I trust my soul / My only goal / 

Is just to be

Like the 50’s video that threw Amy and I together or Kate sitting down next to me solely in hopes of finding a working computer.

Why are entire years strewn / on the cutting room floor of memory /
When single frames from one magic night /
Forever flicker in close-up / On the 3-D Imax of my mind? /

That’s poetic / That’s pathetic / Why did Mimi knock on Roger's door /
And Collins choose that phone booth / Back where Angel set up his drums? /
Why did Maureen's equipment break down? /

Just as Rent has made me recognize that chance has played a large role in many of the most important moments in my life, it has also made me recognize what I’ve had all along. Rent truly has been the most important means of connecting me to my mom. It has helped her so much with coming to grips with my being gay. But it has also allowed me to see her in a different light. I love that we’ve nicknamed each other Mark and Roger. I love that she connects so much with Roger’s character.

Find / The One Song /
Before The Virus Takes Hold / Glory /
Like A Sunset / One Song /
To Redeem This Empty Life

I’m grateful that Rent has given her another means of accepting her illness and the fragile nature of life that applies to us all.

The heart may freeze or it can burn /
The pain will ease if I can learn /
There is no future / There is no past /
I live this moment / As my last

Rent has helped me cope with her illness and the few times that I’ve nearly lost her.

To people living with, living with, living with / Not dying from disease

I feel like I’ve turned a new corner in my life this year and that Rent has come along for the ride with me. I find myself frequently looking for the courage to go forward.

Forget regret / Or life is yours to miss

And I am often angry at myself when I sink back into old habits.

How do you leave the past behind /
When it keeps finding ways to get to your heart? /
It reaches way down deep and tears you inside out /
’Til you're torn apart /

Rent has given me a sense of belonging. It is always reminding me that I do fit into this world. It is constantly reminding me that we all exist on a plane far above how we define ourselves and the roles that we play. It is constantly reminding me how much good there is in life.

I remember the first time I heard “Seasons of Love.” I had bought the movie soundtrack mostly on a whim. I put the soundtrack in basically for background noise. And “Seasons” caught me completely off guard. I just sat down on my bedroom floor and cried.

In daylights / In sunsets / In midnights /
In cups of coffee / In inches /

In miles / In laughter / In strife

In five hundred twenty-five thousand/
Six hundred minutes /
How do you measure a year in the life? /
How about love? / How about love? /
How about love? / Measure in love /
Seasons of love / Seasons of love

I’m seeing Rent tomorrow with Kate. We hadn’t planned on seeing it together but now that we are it feels very right. I’m excited to share something I love very much with someone I love very much. Someone, who is in fact, constantly reminding me of the same ideas Rent does.

I know this is the last time I will ever see Anthony Rapp in the role he originated, in the role that I most identify with. I know this is the last time I will see Rent for possibly a few years. But I’m not in the least bit worried about the possibility of losing my connection with Rent. After all, I just kind of breathe it.

It's time now - to sing out / Tho’ the story never ends /
Let's celebrate / Remember a year in the life of friends