Because you have the most knowledge about life the moment before you die

I really don’t know that much about anything. But I do know that there is probably a reason I’m still up at 2am even though I have a slamming headache and my body has wanted sleep for hours. There is probably a reason I can’t stop thinking about what my biggest flaws are. Because here’s the thing, we all play to each other’s flaws sometimes. And it makes us shitty friends and shitty people when we do. We drag each other down because we can. Because I’m insecure and you are too, we just go about expressing our insecurity in different ways.

Rebuilding anything is hard. Because obviously you want to keep some pieces of the old. If you didn’t you would just be building – starting over from scratch. Rebuilding a friendship is hard. It’s a lot easier to entrust someone with your wallet than your heart.

I think one of my biggest flaws is how much I want to be loved. Because there has been a dearth of love in my life. I mean, yeah, at the end of the day we all want to be loved. But in the past I would prostrate myself to people for an approximation of love. At some point I would like to think we’ll grow up enough. Grow up enough to be able to hold out for the real deal of whatever it is that we have been searching for.

For a few years now I’ve been a real fan of life’s unseen forces. Karma, spirit, God, all that stuff. I think there is a reason you meet the people you do. I think there is a reason that you can feel like you have lived an entire lifetime with someone in two and a half years and yet life shoves you back together with them. Because you weren’t done learning from one another yet. Maybe my perspective on this is the same as my answer to most of the unanswerable questions: life is both. I need to believe that there’s a force that draws people together for a reason. But I also need to believe in free will. That I can resist my flaws and be a better person for it. That I can let go of my anger and hurt and anger over being hurt. That we can share the same space as in the past but be different people.